7 viles... yes I said 7 viles of blood!! UGH!

By the time we landed and got off the plane it was around 6:45, picked up the rental car, got our luggage and FINALLY made it to the hotel around 7:45. Well we realized once we got to our hotel that we booked at the wrong one. Right hotel – wrong location so now our Dr is like 45 minutes away! UGH! Dallas traffic is SO much fun too - Wahoo! LOL.

It is HOT as all get out here! We are dying! I forgot how muggy it gets here! Other than that – the hotel is nice – NOT grand but nice! The only thing that I can complain about is the cheap toilet paper! SO not cool with AF! I am almost tempted to go buy real tp at Wal-Mart which is like right next door! LOL However, we went there last night at like 9:30 on a Thursday and it was PACKED! I guess that’s all there is to do in Garland TX on a Thursday night – hang out at Wal-Mart and the Sonic! There was like 800 motorcycles at the Sonic! I was pi$$ed too cuz I wanted Ice Cream darn it! ROFL!

As for the Dr - I gave 7 viles of blood today - BLECHT and had a physical exam - assuming everything comes back good (no infectious diseases) then I will start BCP on CD 10 for 2 to 1/2 weeks and then start the Lupron and I will have to come back down here in like 2 -3 weeks again - but this time we are driving down and bringing my pooch - I miss her!! How am I ever going to last another 9 days?! LOL

On our way!

Well, we're all packed and ready to go! It's starting!!!!!

Mood swings anyone???

Oh boy.... it's already starting... and I haven't even started the L-Demon (affectionately called by my friend Susy). The other day poor dh didn't replace the tp in the potty and I went to use it after him. By the time I realized that he didn't replace it - I was already done. So I opened the door and screamed "Replace the GD TP!!!!" and he just started rolling. His reply to my outburst was "Here comes my exorcist wife!" ROFLMAO Now - what makes this hysterical is the TP is stored UNDER the sink in the bathroom so I didn't even have to go out of my way to replace it!! BUT - in my defense... neither did he?! LOL Oh boy.... how much longer do we have to go on this Molatave Cocktail? :D

4 days and counting....

I can't believe that we are leaving in less than a week to go to Texas! I know I have said this many times before - but it still seems so surreal that we have been accepted and are actually going through this.
I keep thinking and telling Chris whenever we have an event to go to "Maybe next year if this works we'll have a little one to add to the kiddie conundrum." It is very difficult for me not to get my hopes up about this and I hope that if it doesn't work that I am not destroyed - but at the same time - I don't know how to not be excited about it! Awww - the back and forth is killing me... I just wish it was August already and I knew if it worked or not! LOL
No obsessing here right? *rolls eyes* :)

Stephens 10!

Man! I can't believe that my oldest nephew is now 10! I remember teaching him to crawl! He is such a cutie pie and becoming such a handsome young man... not that I am partial or anything! HaHa
Happy Birthday, Stephen! We love you!

Flight? Check - Hotel? Check - Appointments? Check UHHHH maybe not...

Well everyone - things are moving right along – I started my Provera (which helps my body start its cycle) 3 days ago and am praying every night that I calculated right and got the dates correct! I called and talked to the scheduler today and she said that she had to check with the study nurse before she could book my appointments for next week.

When I asked her why – she said – well she is going on vacation for Memorial Day! I was like WHAT?!!!! And she goes – oh no worries – the other nurse will be here – I just need to know what nurse to book you with! I almost had a heart attack you guys! So, I am waiting to hear back from the doctor tomorrow and hopefully I will have a date! ACK! I almost made history – I can see the headline now! “33 year old dies of heart attack while talking to her RE! “ ROFL :) Good grief! So much stress - I swear!

Other than that bit of excitement today (Ok lets be truthful here- panic was a better word for it! HaHa) - things are falling into place nicely - so we just keep walking through the doors!

Thank you, Lord for another open door!

On a personal note - Good luck Bree and Kerry - you have big days coming up!!! I am praying for a BFP for you, Bree and an easy ER for you Kerry! Thank you for your friendship! I treasure you!

And the journey begins

Well - tonight I purchased our tickets to go down to Texas to do the testing for our IVF study! I am excited, nervous and anxious all at once! I can't believe that this is really happening after all this time. I know that there is a chance that this won't work and if that happens - then it happens - but I also know that there is a high chance of success too - so I choose to lean on the side of positivity and pray for the best. Here we go!!

Mothers Day...

Well today is Mothers Day and usually I would dread this day because I would feel so left out, but today wasn't so bad. I think it is because I know that we are doing something that has a higher success rate than anything else that we have tried and also because I am at peace about this whole journey.
I tried for so many years to control our infertility by going through all these treatments and I thought that if I was good enough or I wanted this bad enough and that I prayed hard enough, that it would happen for us - and it never did.
I decided to give control of this situation to the Lord after talking to my Dad and listening to a set of tapes he gave me and since I have done that, doors just continue to open for us and we are going to walk through them and see where they take us.
This is hard for me to do since I am a notorious control freak - but I am working on this daily.

Happy Mothers Day to everyone! We are all mothers of some sort - whether our babies are furbabies, actual children, or our love is for our nieces or nephews. This is a day of celebration - not a day of mourning.

I talked to the nurse yesterday....

Well, I talked to the nurse yesterday at the clinic and found out that we are going to have to make another trip down to Texas for about a week BEFORE we actually get started on IVF. We both have to do testing (communicable disease blood work, hormone testing, ect.) and since the testing has to be done on certain days of my cycle AND since I don't get my cycle like a normal person (side note: I haven't had a cycle since November), I will have to take medicine to bring on my cycle (Provera) and then I usually get AF about 5 -7 days later.... so that means that either we wait it out until I start spotting and buy tickets at the last minute OR we go down as soon as I stop taking the Provera and wait it out.... Decisions Decisions......

Longing for a baby: What my life is like

By MaDonna Medley

For the past seven years, my husband and I have been trying to start a family. Infertility has been a struggle that I definitely did not ask for, but I am growing stronger because of it.

As a result of our difficult journey, God has led me to minister not only to those who struggle to become parents, but also to those who have been blessed with children. My hope and prayer is that I can gently help those who have never experienced infertility to understand what life is like when you are longing for a baby.

To wake me up in the mornings, I need an alarm clock because there are no little ones to jump onto my bed urging me to wake up.

I take my time getting ready in the morning because I don’t have anyone to dress but myself.

Instead of changing dirty diapers, I change a puppy pad.

Instead of preparing lunch for school, I pour fresh food and water for my dog.

Instead of tiny fingerprints on my front door, I have old stains because I haven’t cleaned the glass in a few months.

I have no clue what it’s like to have a dryer full of little clothes that are “so aggravating” to fold.

I don’t have a diaper genie, a changing table, or a crib- only a bunk bed that is filled with junk we pile up throughout the week.

My picture frames are filled with pictures of friends’ children because I haven’t had an opportunity to capture the beauty in the faces of my own.

My husband and I don’t have any family portraits because we don’t have a “family” as defined by our world.

We haven’t had our picture taken in eight years because we feel incomplete.

There are no toys filling every area of my living room floor – only dirt dragged in by our shoes.

When I want to have a quiet moment, all I have to do is turn off the television.

The only birthday parties we celebrate are those of other children.

When we go to church, we feel like the “fairly odd couple” because everyone else has something in common.

No, I don’t know what labor pains feel like.

No, I don’t know what it feels like to carry your world in your womb for nine months.

And when I think I might be pregnant, I’m haunted by all of the “negatives” during the past eight years.

I can’t plan children, only “times” to try for them.

TSH, HSG, HCG, and PCOS are not blogging abbreviations.

Trying to conceive a child for me is driving two hours for a five-minute visit to draw blood and then waiting the entire day to hear that I’ll have to try again next cycle because I didn’t ovulate on the 12^th-14^th day, but on the 19^th day.

I have no more vacation or sick days left at work.

I never hear, “We’re praying for you and believing in you,” but rather “It’ll happen” or “Maybe if you adopt…”

I feel guilty every day. I feel like a failure to God, my husband, my parents, my church, and myself.

I’ve never heard “I love you, Mommy!”

If you have never experienced the pain of infertility, you can’t relate. However, you can pray for us. We long to have what you have. If we don’t congratulate you about your new baby or if we walk out of the room during a baby dedication or an infant baptism, please don’t be offended. These moments remind us of what’s missing in our lives.

Don’t miss an opportunity to hug, kiss, or play with your children. Take advantage of every moment you have with them. Take care of them and raise them to love the Lord. And never miss the opportunity to say to your children, “I love you!” For those who know what I’m feeling right now, stay strong. Love those who have what you long for. Most important, pray for them. Be happy for them, even when it hurts the most.

Trust in Jesus!

Nerves...

Ok - my nerves are starting to get the better of me. There is so much to coordinate and my Leo-ness is taking over and I am trying to be a control freak about this! I know that it is out of my control and that I can only follow the path that I have been led to - But dang it - I need a crystal ball or something! Ok.... enough obsessing...

The Club

There is a club that I am longing to be a part of, but the membership is exclusive.

I can’t buy my way in to this club, nor can I earn it.

It must be a gift.

So far, even though I have asked repeatedly for this gift, membership in The Club had eluded me.

Members of this club can be easily picked out of a crowd – especially the new members.

They are wide-eyed with joy, and they can’t wait to tell everyone around them that they have just joined The Club.

They may look tired from lack of sleep, and their “uniform” may look a little wrinkled, but they wouldn’t exchange their membership for anything.

For they are members of The Mother’s Club; a membership that is one of the most precious in this world.

Many women have become members without realizing how precious membership is.

If you are a member, it is easy to forget life before joining The Club.

If you somehow can’t be a mother, it’s difficult to forget that you aren’t.

We have been left behind, happy for others who have joined The Club, but also sad for what seems so elusive to us.

One by one I have watched my friends and family move to membership while I have been left behind.

I went from having everything in common with my girlfriends to being the friend without kids.

I am often left out.

When The Club meets – which is any time two or more mothers are together – most of the time conversation revolves around being a mother.

These are conversations revolving around birthday parties, teething, baby dedications, diapers, funny stories, and how beautiful their children are when they are asleep.

At times I try to be a part of the conversation, but it is difficult.

When one member of The Club needs advice, she always calls another member.

My friends used to call me for advice, but since they became Club members, they never ask for my opinion anymore.

My advice is not sought because I do not hold a membership.

I see Club members planning nights out with other Club members because they have children.

Members of The Club tend to stick together.

I know that deep in my heart, nothing is ever done or said on purpose, but for me the pain comes from being left out.

For years, I didn’t know how precious membership would be to me.

I am sure I said some insensitive things around women who were struggling with infertility.

Now I know how real the pain is.

A simple trip to Wal-Mart is overwhelming.

Children are everywhere, along with everything Club members need for their children.

Why is it that I have to walk by the baby section of the store to get to the milk?

It seems that I can’t even spend a simple night at home with my husband without seeing a commercial like

“A baby changes everything.”

Even eating lunch at a restaurant seems to include sitting next to a mom who is yelling at her children.

If she only knew how blessed she was to have children acting up.

How do we cope without membership in The Club?

The only answer there can be is faith and prayer.

I hear God whispering at my hardest times, “Do you trust Me?”

Sometimes I have to think long and hard about my answer.

Then God shows that although I am not a member of The Mother’s Club, I am a member of a club that is even more precious and valuable.

I am a member of the family of God.

He reminds me that He has saved me by his Son’s precious blood and He has claimed me as His child.

He shows me the miracles in my life that only He could have provided, and there is no other answer but

“Yes, I trust You.”

There have been times when my heart was shattered in a million pieces and I have felt so left behind,

but God has never left me.

On my bad days, He has been faithful to catch every tear, and on my good days,

He has been loving enough to use me in helping others.

My desire to be a member is strong, but I have to remember that God knows my heart’s desire and

He understands when no one else does.

He created me and He knows every step of my life.

His desire is to fill my broken heart with comfort.

I have to try to never forget where He has taken me and what He has done for me.

I have to keep telling Him how I feel.

I don’t know whether I will ever become a member of The Club.

I wish I could end this story with God having answered my prayers, my way.

But for now, this is how my story goes.

I do know that God loves me so much he will not leave my heart empty;

He will fill it His way and in His timing.

Portions Copied from the newsletter - Stepping Stones, Christian Services for Adoption and Couples facing Infertility

Meeting with the new clinic

Well, I signed the consent form yesterday to save my spot and had an initial exam with the Dr. His name is Dr.Kevin Doody and I liked him a lot. He didn't treat us like a "young couple", he talked to us like we actually had brains! Go figure....
He said that my PCOS was “textbook” and that he would rather have to treat someone like me versus treating someone who doesn’t respond well to the medicine. He is concerned about OHSS (Ovary hyper stimulation syndrome) of course… but since I have been through this basically before with my IUI’s, then he is a little less concerned.

Looks like I will have to take one more trip down there for testing and then we will go for the 2 -3 weeks. I will have to take BCP for 3 weeks which I was disappointed about, but I understand the reasoning behind it. Will also take Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, and then the progesterone, but the study will provide that.

We have to pay for my meds, Chris’s testing and SA which will be about $400.00 and then the $1,200 for the study + travel and stuff while we are down there.

Chris’s brother has a time share, so he is going to talk to him about borrowing it during that time. If not, then I have some research to do because I think we might take our dog with us, so I need to find a place that will accept pets. I am just very uncomfortable leaving Cass for that long with her age and all, and I would never forgive myself if something happened to her while we were gone, so it would make the trip less stressful for me if she was with us. Plus I miss her like crazy when we leave her! I hate leaving her! She’s my baby!!!! LOL

This trip was very quick but the hotel was pretty nice, although since I didn’t know exactly where the Dr’s office was compared to the airport (and didn’t think to ask), our hotel was like 40 minutes from the Dr’s. – Definitely don’t want to deal with that again – I had forgotten how stupid they drive in Dallas and how confusing it is! LOL Also, MapQuest totally sent us the wrong way, so we will definitely buy a Tom Tom before we go back again!

Hoping that once we get down there for the 3 weeks, that we will be able to take a trip to San Antonio at least once and maybe show Chris where I used to live/work.

More to come.....

In the beginning...

We are starting our journey through IVF and invite you to come along on the roller coaster ride!